 |
Web Hosting by Netfirms | Free Domain Names by Netfirms |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
Been a while, huh? Well, as the world works, much has happened since that day back in September. I'm a different person now, yet see many similar traits as I re-read the old posts. I think I need to do that asking people about me thing again. I really need to go through that again and go through their words and compare them to what I've become. Anyway, I suppose a re-cap is in order, no? Right well. Let's see... from September until... uh... pre February 15th, I can't remember a thing of major importance. I uh, passed all my classes first semester. I... I dunno. Oh, I met Evan's brother Chris. Alright, post 02/15. Well, that night was Deelite, a rave, and yours truly attended. I went to a fucking rave, let alone a twelve hour rave. It was fucking magnificent. The night before Chris and talked for hours on different subjects. We got to a point where we realized we had both had this "enlightenment" as to the world around us. I'm the only other person he's met who has acheived this without any substance abuse, and retain it. This enlightenment means we see the problems beyond our own. That's why I was always bitching about not having problems, because those I had seemed so miniscule they were not worth thinking about. This enlightenment increased my outgoing-ness, I no longer cared for the opinions of those who matter not to me, I was, basically, more free. That is what the rave experience brings to you. For the time you are in there, you do what you want, without a care for what others think. You can dance like a complete asshole, and no one cares, let alone you. The problem with that is a) many people are influenced by drugs, so they're only free because they're loaded on ecstacy, and b) the candy kids dress up in all their crazy fluorescent madness as an escape, they don't wear it full time. Why's this escapism a problem? Because they don't know how to do these things in any situation but a rave. It's like they're denying their true self. The drugs allow them to be free, which is good. The problem is they depend on the drugs to be free; they can't do it themselves. This is what I was trying to push when I started this site, self freedom, opening up. That's one issue about raves. Now on the more positive side of that issue, I believe everyone should experience atleast one rave. The act of dancing is an act of self indulgence. You dance for yourself, not everyone else. The music gives you so much energy you can't help but move. On an even more positive side, I met someone at the rave. I wanted to go to a rave to meet new, interesting people. I, for some reason, thought it would be a great place to talk to new people. The down side to that is that every second word is "what?". You meet people there, dance with them, talk later, when you're rested. Anyway, I met someone, Mel, to be precise. I was drawing in some guestbook, finished and stood up to see if Evan or Creggan were around and was immediately thrown into a hug by some random stranger, and who am I to refuse a hug. Fifteen-twenty minutes later I'm sitting down and aforementioned stranger sits down on me, as there are no other places left to sit, and who am I to refuse a.. uh.. sit. We talked for as much as we could bear before we decided to go dance. Half an hour later or so we're sitting beside one another and I put my arm around her and we soon became, as she interestingly put it, "intimate". Suffice it to say, from that moment on I was thouroughly infatuated with Mel, whom I later that night learned the name of. We went out into the cold a few times to talk, but the bastardly freezing air soon won over and we had to return to the dark pit of thundering beauty. We've kept in contact over XVI and MSN since. She also came over last Sunday. So what are we? As far as I know, we're friends. Yea. I'm back here, again. Of course I told her I'm infatuated with her, and of course there had to be a reason that I shouldn't be, in this case, she's a lesbian. I asked Chris about that, he said she's had some trouble with guys before, I suppose "players" is the correct term here, and she may just be "testing" me, she's actually more 75% straight, though still bi. I've been despreately clinging on to that theory ever since. That theory seems to be crumbling under me by the moment. I'm really lost as to what to think. I don't want to ask her outright, as that's always just gotten me in deeper shit, but that's the only way I really know how, bluntness. She seems to be dropping hints here and there about thinking of me as more than a friend... but I may be wrong, in my hopeful thinking. When we're together... the world is wonderful, not a care in mind. It's bloody magical. When we're apart the cracks of reality allow the problems to seep into my mind. One, the whole homosexual issue... I really... really can't think of how to approash finding out if this is true, and if she's not actually bisexual. Two, the fact that she lives all the friggin' way in Orleans and I in Gatineau. As our parents obviously don't care to drive from one point and back(about 3 hours round trip) we are forced you use public transit, which is three hours one way. To see each other for one day, one of us must travel for six fucking hours. And there's Mel. There's also a new issue that has arisen. Techno music is my new obsession. I've taken to downloading techno remixes of video game songs. This makes for a deadly combination of comfort. It is a) the music I used to love hearing coming from the games as I played them, bringing me back to the carefree childhood days and b) it's fucking techno. I've always liked techno, but after Deelite I've grown a whole new appreciation for it. The techno also makes me think of Deelite which makes me think of Mel, so, y'know, go figure. Anyway, I can't get away from techno. Al day long, constantly. Techno. I suppose that is it for now, my writing mojo has been worn down. It is 2:45 am, good morning Canada. |