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I feel hollow. My stomach litterally feels like there is nothing there... though that may just be hunger. This week I have made discoveries about myself and ohters that I don't think I like. First... that old phrase, the more I learn about people, the more I feel I know them less. This applys to me, more specifically, 'Lil Brandon and I. I don't know anything about him other than he's born an American, he's part Korean, and he's a city boy stuck in the sticks. And one last thing, he's bottled up tight... more like a vault. And so I can't learn anymore about him. He's awesome... but how can I say that if i don't even know him? He's fun to hang around with... but it feels so hollow. I hope someday i'll learn more about the little bastard. Second... what is really knowing someone? Knowing their most intimate secrets? Or knowing their true personality? Or is it just hanging around with someone? I think it's a mix of the first two. And if that's so... I only know... I'm not sure I know anyone. Well... there's Chalky, he's an exception to almost anything... except these days he's enveloped completely by Fallout 2, thus having no time for anyone but his slave drivers and mutants. Brandon just said stories can help you get to know a person, but then he said he can tell me stories that don't tell me anything about him. And I said you can learn stories about napoleon, but you don't know the guy. Magill says: Here's a question for you: Do you listen to your emotions or to your realisations? Say you've got something...I don't know, like a turntable or something. And your friends really like it, but you want to sell it. Do you listen to the fact that you want to sell it, or the fact that you've got something most people don't, and are therefore lucky? Phil says: sell the bastard Phil says: I have many things others don't Phil says: I don't need any more Phil says: I'll make the buyer lucky Magill says: Ooo, here's a good follow-up. Apply that logic to a relationship. Let's say you're with a girl that all your friends think is the greatest girl in the world. She does wonderful things for you and all that, but something in your gut tells you you don't want to be with her. What then? Phil says: don't be with her Magill says: Really? Phil says: really Magill says: Explain. Phil says: cuz.. she's not the person I want, she's not right, so unless it's just a fun casual relationship, then why stay with her... why lead her on? I'm Now asking people how they precieve.. it's going better than I thought. I've always wanted to ask people this, but always forgot. My first two test subjects being, of course, Brandon and Magill. And soon Zoe as she just got on. Here's what Magill had to say: Magill says: A friendly, wise, good-natured fellow who manages to keep his views straight no matter how much life may shit on him. And Brandon: Brandon says: i see a sheep with a talent of art and a side that is only shown on a internet site your nuts ubsessive almost And Zoe: Zoe says: i think hey its phil phil is very smart phil is loenly inside. phil walks lazily phil is lazy phil talks smart/logicly phil is smart phil is lazy And Chalky(I managed to pull him away from Fallout): You are understanding, caring, compassionate, yet lost, lonely inside, and wear your mask a hell of a lot better than most. You appear to be carefree and eternally in bliss, and although you may sometimes think that you are, the truth of the matter is that you feel things very strongly on all levels.... be it happiness, sadness, etc. I think I did this to see if I could learn anything about myself through others' perception of me... I'm not sure if it worked... I knew I'm obssessive, I knew I'm friendly and good-natured and I always try and see straigt, despite all the shit in this world. I went on to talk to them all some more... and I believe this is a very important thing that came up: Zoe says: you put on such a good act that your care free Phil says: youknow of people that envy me? Phil says: I am... I think I am Zoe says: well, i almost do Zoe says: so problem free, but that in fact is your biggest probem Zoe says: i would rather be listeing to other peoples problmes, than having all my own Zoe says: listeing to eveyone elses pain would jsut make me feel trusted and welcomed and i would care about them all Zoe says: and i wouldnt have to deal with the problems, only listeing to them and talk to them about them Phil says: exactly... it makes me feel great... but... empty |