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Hey boys and girls, have you had you're panic attack today? Well I have! Yes folks... I was fine all day, then I got on msn, talked to Steph, then Chalky and Anita and Kelly. About 10 minutes after Kelly got off I started crying out of frustration and then I started to shake and then I was breathing very deeply, but not getting air and then I was slipping out of my chair. I was on the ground, not a spec of face under my eyes was dry and I could barely breathe, every once in a while making tiny whining sounds. Now, I'm sure want to know why I had a break down. Well... I've been working on that all night. Well, the main issues: Almost all of my direct friends are in relation ships(starting or middle of), most with other friends, so that's awkward in itself. Each of these relationships seem... odd... not right. You all know who you are, almost everyone who comes to this site is involved. I have not enough problems... just look at my entries. I feel so... well unhuman, as I swim amongst my troubled peers. Most of the people htat know me have only sen me either happy, hyper, tired, bored, lazy and hungery. This is not quite a fulll range of emotions. This is why i like crying, it means there's something wrong. When I have a problem it makes me feel... more human. This is also the reason I ask everyone about their problems, because I want something to solve. I seem to have this subconcious want to be like others, but I almost strive to be different, as you all know. I made this site because from my solved problems I learn. Writing them down helps to solve them. I also made this site to make others more open. If they're more open, they'll tell me there problems, not to mention it'll make every better people if you ask me. My friends are fighting and being totally ignorant. Ignorance plagues the world and it is one thing I truly despise, as you also know. This is not as big an issue. I believe this is all... though, it being the end of the year probly has some part in it, if not just the reason everyone is going fucky. Alright, well how did all these thing culminate into me convulsing on the floor, trying to reach the key board and chair? Read on friend: When I got home the first person I talked to on msn was Steph and she instantly bombarded me with the Kelly/Zoe fight situation and about going to Rideau without her. I didn't want to get into it but got sucked in slightly. Then Matt came on and I sent him the cc card I made for him(a wonderful trend started by our very own Toom). Anita and Chalky were next, not sure which order, but by then I was pissed like hell, though I'm not quite sure why. I started explaining my fury to both of them and soon I was bringing all the above factors into the situation and before I knew my rage turned to tears to shaking on the ground. I was still talking to Anita and Chalky every few moments when I could get my hand that high. They were telling me(after reading my illegible scrawlings) that I should stop and go lie down but I didn't want to, I wanted to continue talking, even thoug I was having trouble breathing my chest was beating so hard. I'm only thankful my family wasn't in the house at the time. So after about five minutes of this they convinced me to go and I didn't, just leaving everything and trembling my way down stairs. As I lay there I could here a song play upstairs. I was somewhat calm, by comparison, by then. Thsong was 4pm by Our Lady Peace. I couldn't make out any words until I heard "...And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong..." and soon after "..everyone's dumb and jaded...". This set me off into spasms again. I lay there for a while, even after I heard my father and sister come in. At around 6 I walked up stairs, the white of my eyes barely visible through the cloud of veins. I quickly ate my have warmed up lasagnia and got back to the computer to make the abovve drawing. After a nigt's worth of talking to Chalky and Kelly about these happenings and other things realted I feel... so great. And that is another reason I like problems, solving them is like a high. Ah, something I forgot, which is actually the most important element. I want someone to hold. Not a girlfriend, not a fuck friend. A... a person I can go to when I want to talk and they'll listen. Someone I can go to to just sit with or lean against. Some one to be there, and I'll do the same for them. Chalky and Anita and Kelly are amazing friends and they pretty well fillt that space... but msn is so impersonal. I can't cry on their shoulders or see their xpressions when they talk. I mean... actually in the same room. I've also realized tonight that if Chalky were a biological famale I would marry him... her. After all this, most people would feel terrible... I'm feeling amazingly happy. Thank you friends. |